The Art of Living

I tried to eat the 72-ounce steak at The Big Texan restaurant on I-40 outside Amarillo, Texas. I tried twice, in ’71 and ’79. They give you one hour to eat everything: shrimp cocktail, salad, baked potato, a roll and the beef. They make you fill out a form. I assume for your obituary.

There are rules:
1. You must pay in advance.
2. You must sit alone at a table for one on a stage so you won’t share.
3. The food must stay down.

I pulled into The Big Texan at 11:00 in the morning. I buttoned my top button, pulled my pants high and looked around pie-eyed like it was my first time out of the house. I told the manager “the biggest steak I’ve ever eaten is a filett,” and “is the 72-ouncer a heck of a lot bigger?” He looked at me like I was from California.

Strategy: “Even though you are competent, appear to be incompetent” (Sun Tzu, The Art of War).

I ate the shrimp cocktail, salad, potato, and roll in ten minutes. Then, I turned to my steak, “Hello, li’l dogie.”

Strategy: “If you know your enemy, you will not be imperiled in a hundred battles” (Sun Tzu, The Art of War).

I carved my steak into several smaller steaks. I tricked my stomach into thinking we were only eating six 12-ounce steaks.

Strategy: “To plunder a locality, divide your troops” (Sun Tzu, The Art of War).

I ate half the steak in ’71 and the whole thing in ’79. What was the difference? I will tell you now. I grazed without looking up. I chewed without ceasing. I mooed contentedly under my breath. In short, I practiced bovinity.

Strategy: “The ability to gain victory by changing and adapting according to the opponent is called genius” (Sun Tzu, The Art of War).

The ability to change and adapt: the art of living.