I Shaved My Father

I shaved my father’s face before he died.

“Don’t you think I need a shave?” He rubbed his whiskers with his hand. He had never asked my opinion about anything.

“You look fine to me.” I always told him whatever I thought would make him glad.

I didn’t want to shave him. I wanted someone from the hospital to do it. It’s not so much I was afraid I would cut him. I was afraid of the closeness; touching his face, moving his nose from one side to the other.

He pointed to the cabinet above the sink. He was really going to make me do this. I found the shaving cream. I stood looking in the mirror wondering how I was going to get through it. I lathered him up. Then, with the smallest strokes I cleaned him up with a Gillette Super Blue blade.

I remember when he first shaved me when I was heading out to a church Sweetheart Banquet. It was with the same kind of rig, and he seemed proud to be doing it. Fourteen years later I was shaving him for a whole different kind of date.

He asked me to move my chair near his bed. He started telling me last minute things, like where to find the important papers. It took everything I had to stay in the room. When he mentioned the Will, I said, “We don’t need to get into all that now.” I got up and went to the sink to wet a wash cloth. I looked in the mirror, pulled myself together, went back over to the bed and wiped shaving cream from the corner of his mouth and behind his ear.

He asked me to get his calendar. He wanted to know his schedule for the next few months. I knew where this was going.

“I’d like for you to cancel everything.”

I told him no, that we didn’t need to do that. I told him that we were going to get through this; “we’re going to beat this thing.” He asked my brother-in-law to handle things.

That was 31 years ago. I was 29 and he was 52. I’m sure he expected that I’d become more of a man; I never expected he had become more like a boy. So here we were, two boys---one freckled, the other fair---together for one last summer day; finally daring to love each other, and to lean.